Burpteen Farteen
by CoolCat9
Summary: A certain fellow screws up and gets thrown into the depths of the Coruscant underworld. I know the guy's long gone but his name can be used as shorthand for anyone like him. Contains men eating alien lemon, so viewer excretion is advised. Enjoy!


(AN: Before starting, I have an important message to this site: QUIT PUTTING ADS WITHIN THE TEXT OF MY STORIES! IF YOU NEED MONEY THAT BADLY DO WHAT WIKIPEDIA DOES AND ASK FOR DONATIONS! GAWL!)

A stolen ship was flying through the skyline of Coruscant. It came to a tower that was rather low in the cities topmost layer. It parked in said towers designated parking spot and a stupid-looking man came out of the ship. He walked across the balcony to a door and went in the building.

"Dakta Kankwest?" hollered the stupid man. He got to the doors of the office and opened them. "I completed my assignment."

"Burt! You caught me at the worst possible time!" The office desk was replaced with an active hot tub and the middle aged Dakta himself was seemingly relaxing in it, nude of course.

"But I got the artifact you wanted to sell on the black market for a bajillion credits." Burt said as he took the artifact out of his pocket. Dakta was surprised.

"Hand that over to me." he said. Burt did so. Dakta eyed the artifact and frowned, which turned to a scowl as he stared at his new employee with rage.

"You just bought a cheap toy replica from The CHeAP KeeP store down the street, which I SPECIFICALLY… TOLD… YOU… NOT TO DOOOOOOO!" Dakta yelled. While he was yelling, a strange stream of white liquid erupted from the tub and onto Burt's face. Dakta waited for the stream to cease.

"Sorry about that." Dakta said. He threw the fake artifact out the window and loudly snapped his fingers, to which a panel on the wall responded with a beep. He then continued berating the underling who failed him.

"Burt… Or should I say your actual name: BURPFART. This is the last straw. I was going to provide you protection from law enforcement, because you did a very serious crime. Since you failed miserably at the one job I gave you… With a snap I've sent your information and mugshot to the police and they should be heading your way right now."

Burpfart (who I'll still refer to as "Burt" because… reasons) let out a big "DO NOT WANT!" and ran out of his boss's office as the doors closed behind him.

From the hot tub, Dakta's two lovers emerged: Bess, a sexy Mon Calamari, and Tunia, a sexy Quarren. It was these naked alien females who made the guy jack it when he yelled at Burt. They were now looking around.

"Was there someone else in here?" asked Bess.

"It's nothing to be worried about, girls." assured Dakta. He hit a button on the side of the hot tub and the door to his office made a clicking noise, indicating it was locked.

"So, who wants to ride the warm akk they've been eating?" Dakta announced.

Bess and Tunia started arguing over who should be taken in first. The man between them shrugged; It's no secret that Mon Calimari and Quarren don't get along very well.

…

Burt was running down the long, long staircase inside the tower, which extended through many levels of Coruscant. Most people would take the lift in towers like these, but not Burt; this is a place, assumedly, where no one would catch him!

Burt was so caught up in his thoughts that he didn't notice a Rodian taking a smoke outside one of the doors. As Burt crashed into him, he lost his footing. He was no longer running down the stairway so much as he was tumbling.

"OW! GUH! URG! BLEEP! AGH!" Burt sputtered as he rolled down the tower like a droideka. The more steps he fell onto, the more and more his body was getting mangled. He was beginning to take on the appearance of a red orb from all the blood gravity was beating out of him.

Burt's fall was one that couldn't stop. Every time he came to the landings that intersected with the ground part of Coruscant's levels, momentum carried him over to the staircase on the other side and the process repeated.

At last, he came to a stop on level 2500-ish. After a few moments of groaning from his injuries, he looked up to see he was in trouble. Security droids and members of the Underworld Police surrounded him. An elite stormtrooper emerged from the crowd and walked to Burt.

"Burpfart, you are under arrest," the stormtrooper said, "after committing the most heinous of crimes, the galaxy will be happy with you no longer in it!" The stormtrooper grabbed the man by the throat.

"Oh, please! What could a simple man like me have done?" Burt said smugly.

"You've once again spammed reviews on fanfics and this time you tried to slander a user named 'Ibgarry'. WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU? You've gone too far this time and you will be punished severely!"

The stormtrooper took Burt to his speeder. The local police left since the crime wasn't in their jurisdiction. The stormtrooper drove the speeder to the edge of one of the ventilation portals that connected the levels of Coruscant.

"Any last words?" the stormtrooper asked Burt.

Burt stayed silent.

With that, the stormtrooper kicked Burt off the speeder and the stupid man was sent falling to his death into the depths of the Coruscant underworld. It was sort of like how Sheev Palpatine will eventually die.

After what seemed like hours of falling, Burt hit the trash layer at level 4 and punched through it all the way to level 1, where he fractured many bones. He was unable to move and his body was quickly being dissolved by the toxic sludge. Burt opened his mouth in an attempt to scream, but the sludge flowed right into it, blocking any sound and hastily speeding up his demise.

The last thing Burt ever thought before his brain melted was: "Are there Bin Weevils down here?"

Even if he was able to scream, no one would've heard Burt's desperate cries for help, not even if he met his demise just outside the tip of his former master's tower. In that case, his cries would have been drowned out by Tunia moaning in pleasure from reaching a climax on Dakta's own spire.

The Quarren collapsed onto Kankwest panting with hips twitching. The man caressed her smooth squidly face and she let out a small smile. Resting off to the side of the hot tub was Bess, whom Dakta worked his magic on moments earlier.

"Well, this was a productive day." Kankwest said as he looked at the Coruscantian sunset sky from the only windows to the office high above the ground.

For those wondering, yes, there were Bin Weevils at level 1, and they took what's left of Burt's body to make mulch. :P


End file.
